Done Running

And just like that, I'm done.  Done running, done fighting, done got tired of all that.  Years of hoping for resolve, years of waiting, getting my hopes up,  just like when I was a kid.  Waiting, hoping, seeking approval.  Waiting for that pat on the back, for the "good job" compliment. 

I'm done spiraling into despair every year when the leaves fall from the trees, when the air turns cold.  The time of year when my birthday comes around,  traditional holidays that I used to look forward to. Holidays that I used to plan as my getaway from "real" life.  Holidays that are not like they used to be. 

A person can only run for so long.  And then things need to change.  And I am the one who needs to make that change. 

I have 4 yrs left until my kid turns 18.  I can spend that time, that energy lamenting the past and trying to figure out how to make it better, or I can spend that time and energy creating and building the best "past", the best memories, that I want the wife and kid to have. 

It is time to stop running and face the facts.  Time to be brutally honest and get on with living this amazing life.  I truly am living a dream of sorts.  The grass is always greener, but here I am, in a situation that I would not trade for anything ( well maybe if windsurfing was involved, I could strike a deal). 

It is time to admit that things did not turn out how I dreamed they would.  Things are different.  It is time to look at life from a different angle, appreciate what I have been given and break the cycle.

It is time to stop running... and start living!

Happy New Year

Oh boy, it has been a while.   It seems I don't take the time to blog that much anymore, but I'm ok with that for now.   My time and energy is being taken in a lot of directions an a person has to prioritize.  I also feel like while it was great to vent and get my story out,  I started to feel repetitive.

Another bike ride, another drama,  blah blah blah. 

But, I've also been feeling stuck.  I like to deal with issues, address them and move on.  I have trouble moving on if a problem has not been resolved.

Well, 2018 is the year that I move on.... or at least try.  I have a wife who I love and a kid who I adore, I need to teach them that it is ok to move on and leave some things unresolved.  I need to focus my time and energy on them,  building them up, rather than on things that are out of my control. 

Fact is, I've been feeling stuck.  Only I didn't realize that I was feeling that way, or why.  You see,  I love to ride, I love to drive, I love a spontaneous road trip.  It is how I cope.  When things get tough, stressful, out of control.  When depressive moods creep in,  I load the bike, windsurfer, hiking gear etc and head out.  Whether for a long weekend, or blow off classes for a day,  I would come home tired and content. 

I can't do that anymore and I just realized it over the last couple of months.  I mean, I have known that I can't do that for a while, but I didn't make the correlation until the last couple of months.  I didn't realize how much of a release that freedom gave me. 

Now I have to plan, way in advance. I have to check the wife's schedule, and I have to check the kid's schedule, and I have to correlate all of that with my schedule, and hopefully the weather cooperates a little bit.

Man, I miss those days.

How's a guy to cope now?  I guess I have to change,  I have to accept that a 1-2 hr ride every other day is all I get.  I have to be determined, and when a window of opportunity opens, I have to go then,  I can't wait until the perfect day, or the perfect temps, or whatever.  I have to take what is given to me. 

One day, I will have that freedom again.  When the kid is gone.  One day, I'll be sad, because the kid will be gone.  But today, I have the kid, and I'm going to invest my time and energy to prepare him for the best life he can have.