Thursday, January 07, 2016

Feeling Bad= Feeling Good

What if you think you are feeling bad, but are actually feeling good?  

I have had a pretty challenging life so far,  who didn't?  I haven't met anyone who said childhood was a piece of cake.   It is life, I suppose.   And we deal with it.  But what happens next?

I think I have managed to work through a lot of my challenges and have been able to provide a calmer, safer, more stable environment for the wife and kid.  I hope so anyway.  Feedback from friends tells me I'm doing a good job, and I have honest friends and a lot of solid friendships which I am thankful for. 

So, after having dealt with challenges ( I'll always be working on being a better man) and having come to grips with things that have happened in the past,  there is a gap left there.  Not that I miss it, but when I get used to having something in my life, good or bad, when it is gone, there is a gap, an emptiness that needs to be filled. 

Well,  for a while now, I have struggled with what this gap actually is.  I've been feeling like something was missing,  but I have everything: wife, kid, dog, bikes, house, food friends, love etc.  Was I sad, depressed? What was this emptiness I was feeling?

Why do I still feel empty?

Then I realized, what if that emptiness I feel is actually peace?  What if the lack of stress and turmoil is this "empty" feeling.   Kind of like without light the room is dark, but in a good way.  What if that dark is something good?  It is not a fireworks show, it is not angels singing, it is not a Vimeo movie of someone standing on a mountain top. 

It is a stillness,  a quiet relief,  almost explainable......

Inner peace. 

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