Thursday, July 08, 2010


I was hesitant to write this entry, because I don't want this blog to be a vent for my issues that will bring people down.  I want to write things that will encourage and challenge people.   I want to be transparent so the reader and fan will know that either I really am crazy, or  you will be able to identify with me and know that you are not the only one who deals with things. 

I'm depressed.  I wouldn't say that I struggle with it, but it is definitely there.  A couple of weeks ago, I slept for 11 hrs.  I have never slept that long, even after racing 24  hrs on my bike.

It hits in waves.  One moment I feel good, normal, then next moment, there is a dark cloud over my head,  the sky and surroundings darken, everything goes into slow motion. I can still laugh and joke around with friends, still talk and fake that I am fine, but inside I feel despair. 

I'm not going to fight it because I feel that it is a way of helping deal with my recent conflict.  I feel that my subconscious is at work, processing thoughts.  Interestingly enough, periodically, a memory will pop up out of nowhere.  Something that happened in the past, related to my verbal/emotional abuse.  And when those memories pop up, I finally have clarity and understanding as to why I might have felt scared, alone or even devastated at that time and place.  

And that keeps me going.  Knowing that I am working through my baggage.  Working through the things that have held me back and kept me from being who I want to be.  

It also helps to have an awesome wife who understands and helps me, and is non-judgmental.   And I believe in a creator who cares about me, and provides for me, and won't let me experience something that I am not capable of handling.

I've been depressed in the past.  But I think I suppressed the reality of it.  In college they told me that it was demonic oppression,  so I spent some long nights on my knees, praying and rebuking. (  it didn't work ).  Others told me to cheer up and move one ( sweep it under the rug) and that is what I did.  Until now.  This stuff is coming out. 

Depression has a bad name.  There is no shame in being distressed.  It is a byproduct of trauma.  It is a signal to those who are close to the person who is experiencing it, a flag waving for help, love and comfort.  And it is going to take time to work through the past.  And it is something I am willing to endure and experience if I can be stronger and more confident on the other side.

Have a great day! 


marymetcalf said...

Stephen - Thanks for sharing. It's good for everyone to know that we all have trials and struggles. You're a brave person to confront it head-on! Keep your pedals turning. I believe it all works out for the better, especially for good people like you!

PS. Zander's loving the onesie. Thanks again.


My name is Stephen said...

you made me smile! send a pic of that kid!

Anonymous said...

This is exactly why God designed squirrels that can figure out any bird feeder guard made. There's always a "prize" if you keep trying.

And riding. Bicycles are awesome.


Eddie Christy said...

I've been in the same boat for several years. And I think I got the same reaction in college that you did.

I'm just glad there are some folks in my life who help to motivate me and get me going when those cloudy days come about.

Thanks for sharing.