I was hesitant to write this entry, because I don't want this blog to be a vent for my issues that will bring people down. I want to write things that will encourage and challenge people. I want to be transparent so the reader and fan will know that either I really am crazy, or you will be able to identify with me and know that you are not the only one who deals with things.
I'm depressed. I wouldn't say that I struggle with it, but it is definitely there. A couple of weeks ago, I slept for 11 hrs. I have never slept that long, even after racing 24 hrs on my bike.
It hits in waves. One moment I feel good, normal, then next moment, there is a dark cloud over my head, the sky and surroundings darken, everything goes into slow motion. I can still laugh and joke around with friends, still talk and fake that I am fine, but inside I feel despair.
I'm not going to fight it because I feel that it is a way of helping deal with my recent conflict. I feel that my subconscious is at work, processing thoughts. Interestingly enough, periodically, a memory will pop up out of nowhere. Something that happened in the past, related to my verbal/emotional abuse. And when those memories pop up, I finally have clarity and understanding as to why I might have felt scared, alone or even devastated at that time and place.
And that keeps me going. Knowing that I am working through my baggage. Working through the things that have held me back and kept me from being who I want to be.
It also helps to have an awesome wife who understands and helps me, and is non-judgmental. And I believe in a creator who cares about me, and provides for me, and won't let me experience something that I am not capable of handling.
I've been depressed in the past. But I think I suppressed the reality of it. In college they told me that it was demonic oppression, so I spent some long nights on my knees, praying and rebuking. ( it didn't work ). Others told me to cheer up and move one ( sweep it under the rug) and that is what I did. Until now. This stuff is coming out.
Depression has a bad name. There is no shame in being distressed. It is a byproduct of trauma. It is a signal to those who are close to the person who is experiencing it, a flag waving for help, love and comfort. And it is going to take time to work through the past. And it is something I am willing to endure and experience if I can be stronger and more confident on the other side.
Have a great day!