Depression

I was hesitant to write this entry, because I don't want this blog to be a vent for my issues that will bring people down.  I want to write things that will encourage and challenge people.   I want to be transparent so the reader and fan will know that either I really am crazy, or  you will be able to identify with me and know that you are not the only one who deals with things. 

I'm depressed.  I wouldn't say that I struggle with it, but it is definitely there.  A couple of weeks ago, I slept for 11 hrs.  I have never slept that long, even after racing 24  hrs on my bike.

It hits in waves.  One moment I feel good, normal, then next moment, there is a dark cloud over my head,  the sky and surroundings darken, everything goes into slow motion. I can still laugh and joke around with friends, still talk and fake that I am fine, but inside I feel despair. 

I'm not going to fight it because I feel that it is a way of helping deal with my recent conflict.  I feel that my subconscious is at work, processing thoughts.  Interestingly enough, periodically, a memory will pop up out of nowhere.  Something that happened in the past, related to my verbal/emotional abuse.  And when those memories pop up, I finally have clarity and understanding as to why I might have felt scared, alone or even devastated at that time and place.  

And that keeps me going.  Knowing that I am working through my baggage.  Working through the things that have held me back and kept me from being who I want to be.  

It also helps to have an awesome wife who understands and helps me, and is non-judgmental.   And I believe in a creator who cares about me, and provides for me, and won't let me experience something that I am not capable of handling.

I've been depressed in the past.  But I think I suppressed the reality of it.  In college they told me that it was demonic oppression,  so I spent some long nights on my knees, praying and rebuking. (  it didn't work ).  Others told me to cheer up and move one ( sweep it under the rug) and that is what I did.  Until now.  This stuff is coming out. 

Depression has a bad name.  There is no shame in being distressed.  It is a byproduct of trauma.  It is a signal to those who are close to the person who is experiencing it, a flag waving for help, love and comfort.  And it is going to take time to work through the past.  And it is something I am willing to endure and experience if I can be stronger and more confident on the other side.

Have a great day!