I started thinking about why that is.
I have learned to start at the beginning, so that is what I did. I traced my lifeline back to the beginnings, when I was a kid who had ideas and dreams. Who had a wild and free imagination and wanted to do great things. I pondered things that I was taught, and how I was treated, and the reactions I got from family and friends as I was growing up.
What I came up with is a list:
- Put Down
- Told what I did was not good enough
- Hold my tongue, that I didn't know what I was talking about
- It's not worth fighting for (translated, your feelings are not worth it)
- etc. it's quite a long list
Instead, I come up with all kinds of excuses why I, if I do that, I will be rejected, put down, ridiculed, told that I don't understand the process, etc.
My fear, in fact, is so great that it is equivalent to another fear that I am struggling to come to grips with: fear of the dark. It's that panicked feeling that leaves one almost paralyzed with irrational fears.
So, what am I gonna do? Don't know. It is starting to get light outside, the darkness is fading, there is always hope.
Have a great day.