Fight or Flight

I'm way better at the flight aspect.  I have been laying awake at night over processing something I am going through right now.  Last night I woke up at 3:30am, and didn't drift off until 5:30ish.  But the thought of confronting the issue scares the crap out of me. 

I started thinking about why that is.

I have learned to start at the beginning, so that is what I did.  I traced my lifeline back to the beginnings, when I was a kid who had ideas and dreams.  Who had a wild and free imagination and wanted to do great things. I pondered things that I was taught, and how I was treated, and the reactions I got from family and friends as I was growing up. 

What I came up with is a list:

• Rejected
• Put Down 
• Ridiculed
• Ignored
• Told what I did was not good enough
• Hold my tongue, that I didn't know what I was talking about
• It's not worth fighting for (translated, your feelings are not worth it)
• etc. it's quite a long list

I feel like I should be able to walk up to the person and say something like" Hey,  I know that you are doing the best that you can,  but I want you to know that this process has left me feeling blindsided, and feeling like my needs are unimportant".  

Instead, I come up with all kinds of excuses why I, if I do that, I will be rejected, put down, ridiculed, told that I don't understand the process, etc.

My fear, in fact, is so great that it is equivalent to another fear that I am struggling to come to grips with: fear of the dark.  It's that panicked feeling that leaves one almost paralyzed with irrational fears.

So, what am I gonna do?  Don't know.  It is starting to get light outside, the darkness is fading,  there is always hope. 

Have a great day.