Just another day in the Blue Ridge Mountains

Gravel Crushin'

I'm running low on time and written creativity.  This might turn into a photo blog for now.

Enjoy the ride.

Bikepacking

At some point over the past 8 yrs, Bikepacking became an integral part of my life.  A challenge, sometimes an obsession.  Poring  over maps,  grazing the internet and blogs to find details about routes.  Packing and repacking.  Trying out new equipment. 

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.   This year though, has been tough.  I've had a lot on my plate and not much time to ride with the consistency it takes to make a long distance trip successful.

I had planned to leave this week to take a trip on the Trans North GA route.  I didn't go.   Timing wasn't right.  And I'm a little gun shy.  The last trip I took, back in the spring,  I didn't have the time in the saddle and I wound up in the hurt locker.   So much so, that I pretty much scared myself.  It served as a wake up call, reminding me how fast things can go south, and if the training isn't there,   I can't simply push through and be ok.

Add to that, the kid starting middle school.  That's a pretty big transition period and I want to be here for him and support him.  I remember middle school.  I was in the Caribbean,  on an island called Bonaire.  They spoke Dutch in the classroom,  Papiamentu on the play ground, and we spoke English at home.  I felt alone, lost, and scared.  I was able to make friends and try to blend in, but overall, the experience was pretty miserable.

I didn't tell the kid how good he has it,  how much easier his transition is than mine.  It doesn't matter.  If he is having a hard time, I have no right to compare that to my experience.

He started school last Weds, and joined the soccer team as manager.  Apparently, the state of NC does not think that 6th graders can handle sports and the transition to middle school at the same time.  Another one of those outdated laws.....

Anyway, the kid is doing well, and I'm glad I'm here to help him through this part of his journey.  Bikepacking can wait.

So, what now?  Am I done with the sport?  Am I quitting the hobby?  No, not at all.  I just have to wait for the right time, and make sure my family is taken care of first.

The cool thing is though, I have no regrets.  The kid is important to me, and I want to be here for him.    I'd die for him,  no questions asked.  I love bikepacking. But by investing time and energy into the kid,  I help not only him,  but his kids and their kids.  Way more reward.

Enjoy the ride!

Chris King's Gourmet Century

 What do you get when you combine the beauty of Western North Carolina's mountain roads and some delicious locally sourced food and beverage?  A nice ride.  But,  add to those ingredients an amazing staff and on top of that 150 laid back people on bikes,  you wind up with Chris King's Gourmet Century

 We started the day meeting at Taylor Ranch off of Cane Creek Rd.  Secretly hidden behind the ridge, once leaving the chaos of Cane Creek, one finds a peaceful ranch sprawling across the valley.  Longhorn grazing, turtles gently surfacing in the pond, and breakfast.

 An amazing spread of tofu scramble, grits,  coffee and my all time favorite, biscuits and gravy.  After a leisurely breakfast, small groups gathered and headed to the parking lot to change and roll out.  I joined up with Cameron, Tom, Mike and Lauren.   We ended up riding together for most of the day which turned out to be a lot of fun. 

 We rolled out under overcast skies, a hint of a cool breeze and the typical humidity that hangs in the hollers this time of year.  Pedaling along, from one valley to the next, following the winding, twisting ribbon of pavement.   

The first rest stop at mile 12 offered the awesome Ally's Bar,  a sweet potato based bar that you have to try.  We stopped briefly and continued on our relaxed journey.  Chatting and cracking jokes.  At mile 24, we stopped at the local fire department for lunch. 

Macaroni salad and a choice of turkey, ham or veggie sub on a fresh roll hit the spot. 

 We wound our way around and into Fairview, up the 74A climb to the divide, then down through Gerton for another rest stop.  This one featured tofu tacos and beer.  I just filled up with water, because on the climb up to the divide, someone had upped the pace, and the turkey sandwich now sat as a large lump in my stomach. 

I added some nuun to the water and sipped on it. 

Down towards Lake Lure, right on hwy 64, the another right to take us up through Edneyville and back to the ranch.  At the last rest stop, around mile 48,  I decided to continue on solo and finish the ride.  I wanted to get home to get a shower and spend some time with the family before we headed back to dinner.   A cat nap on the couch was a bonus!

 Dinner time rolled around and we mingled, chatting and enjoying the views. 

Delicious smoked pork right out of the smoker with some rice and Pisgah Pale hit the spot.  We enjoyed the meal and I sat back and relaxed. 

 This ride was about community.  About spending time with good people.  About enjoying the scenery and stopping to smell the roses. 

I wondered at the beginning how it would pan out.   By the time I got home after dinner, I had a warm glow in my soul,  knowing that I had shared  a very special day with a lot of people. 

It was definitely a great change of pace from the typical life of a cyclist who is trying to get fit and stay fast. 

 This is a ride that you don't want to miss out on next year.  I'm already making plans!

Thanks Kris Bedsaul, Chris King and crew.  Thanks for the challenge, the food and the community! See you next year.

Sufferin'

 Another Thursday night ride went off and I almost didn't make it home.  After spending last week at the beach and the first half of this week hangin' with the kid and off the bike,  my legs were C quality.  And it hurt.    I managed to have fun though because I was on the bike. 

I find that I tend to talk less on the bike than I used to.  Observing and absorbing what is going on around me.   Focusing on my pedal stroke and trying to be be smooth. 

 A dozen folks showed up and Andy Kimble is now leading the B group which makes it nice for folks who get dropped from the A group.  Especially if it is new people, who don't know where they are.  I remember asking a farmer outside of Shelby for directions once when I got dropped from that group. 

I looked fast though thanks to Kevin Hessler.  I wore Liberty Bike's new kit and some sweet Defeet socks.  The designs are wild and as always, the socks are comfortable.  

Back at It

Dropping the kid off early gives me a couple of extra hours to get things done and go for a ride.  I'm planning on being a bit more disciplined this year and getting out the door earlier, so I can have some extra time in the saddle. 

I registered for the Pisgah MTB Stage Race yesterday, and I'm looking forward to actually training for it this year. 

I rode up Elk Mtn and was warned of bears,  they must have gotten spooked because I never saw them.  But, as I rounded a bend on the Parkway,  a 6ft tall mama was standing on her hind legs looking around.  I stopped about 75 yrs away to take a picture, but she dropped on all fours and pounced a little giving me a short warning charge.  I put the camera away and backed of some more.  Her movements happened so fast and smooth, I didn't realize what she was doing.  Had I been stupidly  close, I would not have know what hit me.  

Back To School

Good luck, little buddy!   You got this.  You are a smart little dude and you have a great life ahead of you.  Take advantage of every chance you have to make yourself a better person.  It will be hard, challenging, but it will also be fun and rewarding.

I know it is scary and frustrating, but I know you can handle it.  Or else I wouldn't make you do it.  Just remember,  there are a bunch of other kids who feel exactly like you do right now.  The teachers and staff understand and they are there to help. ( and discipline if necessary ).    Stay out of trouble, choose good friends,   be a great friend, be a leader, be a servant,  respect yourself, respect others. 

You are going to do some cool stuff and I look forward to being there with you on your journey.

I am proud of you and proud to be your dad!

Meet The Teacher

This is it.  Meet the teacher at Middle School.  Another step in my life as a father.  Another step towards adulthood for this kid.  I'm honored that I can be here to support him.   I'm scared that I'm gonna screw up.  I know I will, I'm human.  But as time goes by and the more time we spend together, the more I realize that if I treat him with with respect, he will do the same. 

I tend to worry sometimes that as he gets older, he will leave and won't come back.  I realize that leaving is part of life.  I also realize that the more bonding time I have with him now, the more things we can do to form a common bond, the more likely our relationship will continue into adulthood.  I don't take for granted that since he is my blood, he will always want to spend time with me.  

He is my shadow and wants to be like me.  I have to remember to treat him like I want to be treated,  every second of every day. And not just treat him right, but everyone around me,  be the person who I want him to be. 

I hope I get it right.

End of Summer Blues

 Back in town, school starts in 3 days, end of summer blues in full effect.  I have memories as a kid of coming home and being so depressed.  I can think of plenty of reasons why, but to tell that is for another time and place.  On the way home from family vacation yesterday, I was happy that my kid was bouncing off of the mini van walls, excited to be heading back home.  It makes me feel really good that I have had a part in providing a safe and happy place for him to grow up.  

We spent several days in Charleston and learned a lot about each other,  bonding, encouraging, laughing.   The wife and kid take after me and like to squeeze everything out of each moment, to the point of misery!  

Day 1 we put the sailboat in and successfully motored over to the Charleston Maritime Center where we were greeted by George, the guy who had helped us during last year's sailing adventure.  We docked the boat and headed to East Bay Deli.  This is quickly becoming a tradition for us.  The deli is delicious and within walking distance.  

With full bellies we headed over to the SC Aquarium.  Always a fun time of wandering around and looking at different fish.  This year's highlight was watching a little kid fall in the shark tank...  he was fine,   the sharks will probably need some counseling. 

 After the Aquarium, we sailed around the harbor looking for dolphins and made it safely back to Remley's Point. 

The second time we launched into the harbor was a little more eventful.  We again motored over to the Charleston side to dock and lunch in town.  Instead of lunch right away, we caught the free trolley, and rode around town looking for somewhere to eat.  Time went by and we finally decided to make our way back to East Bay Del.  We should have done that first.  It was hot and we were tired and hungry. 

After getting wrong directions from a cop and a grocer,  we flagged down a bike taxi.  He wanted $15 to take the 3 of us 5 blocks.  We talked him down to $10.  Expensive but we were hurting,  and it was fun. 

After lunch, the kid wanted to visit the open air market, so we found a cluster of bike taxis and I asked how much for the ride.  A girl spoke up and said $16.50 per person.  I told her I only had $15 cash,  that was it.  She offered to take me by an ATM.   Hmmmm.  Then I noticed that there were 2 different companies represented there.  I looked at the guy next to her and offered him the $15.  He agreed but then the girl got pretty upset and said I couldn't do that.  I told her this is America and we operate on a system of supply and demand.  (I'm not sure that was the right terminology but it was the first thing that came to mind).  After a little more back and forth, the girl got mad and rode away, leaving the completion with a fare!  And I paid what I had in my pocket! 

 By the time we finally made it back to the boat and out into the harbor, the wind had kicked up and the chop and swells were rolling in.  I was having a blast but the family was not convinced.  They aren't used to these conditions (yet) and weren't so excited.  We made our way safely back to Remley's Point and trailered the boat.

 We also spent plenty of time at the beach.  Since I was 13 yrs old, I have wanted to learn how to surf.  This summer, I finally bought a surf board and was able to spend a good bit of time on the water.  While conditions were not great,  I was definitely able to figure things out and stand up on the board catching some of the waves.  I learned that timing has to be near perfect to get the momentum needed to stabilize the board and pop up ( going from laying to standing)!   

Another dream realized! 

 The last day is always a mix of emotions, everybody worn out and wanting to stay just a little longer.  We stretched time as much as we could and headed back to the cool fresh air of the mountains.....

We are already talking about the next trip. 

Another Fun Weekend

 Summer programming has finished up and it is time for some serious R&R.   I feel like I've been going non stop since about February and while I have enjoyed that aspect of life, its time to enjoy my family and some personal time!!  

A year ago, a friend gave me a little 12 foot motor boat.  After bringing the boat home and doing some research,  I found out that the motor needed for this boat would cost just under $3000.  Holy crap.  I don't have that kind of cash laying around so I but the project on the backburner, tried to sell the boat a couple of times and always thought I would regret it if its sold. 

We finally took the boat down to Lake James with our little 2.5 hp outboard that we have for our sailboat.  While completely underpowered,  it was enough to get us around the lake for some family fun time.

 We farted around and pulled up on a  secluded island.   We spent some time swimming and relaxing.  Man, that was nice.  Nothing to worry about. Just chillin'. 

 We got hungry so we motored over to Black Bear Marina for some lunch.  After lunch we farted around some more and found another little cove where we pondered cliff jumping and spent some more time in the water.  I just need to figure out how to earn the cash to get my hands on a 20 hp outboard!  That is when I know I'll be livin' the dream.

 The family is hooked on water, just like I am.  There is something about it, that I can't pinpoint.  But whether in a motor boat, sailboat or kayak//canoe,  it is the best. 

Speaking of which, the next day was a day for sailboat racing at Lake Julian.  The wife was able to make this one, and it was miserable.  Low wind and direct sunlight, the time on the water was torture.  But, we were racin' and that's that! 

The rest of the weekend was spent getting the trailer ready for the next adventure.  Wheel bearing gone bad, and needed to be replace.  I imagine with the use it gets, this will be a once a year project.  

 Dinner Sunday were some homemade Juicy Lucy's.  They need a little more fine tuning but were delish nonetheless. 

 PS.  I was able to get a couple of rides in over the weekend, so don't think I've gone soft.  I'm still training  and tapering properly for the Thursday night Liberty rides!!

Full Weekend

 Summer programming is winding down and I always take advantage of this time to spend with my family.  We decided to head over to Marcos Pizzeria for dinner then an evening sail on the lake.  The wife and kid are getting more used to sailing and liking it a lot more than initially.

 The kid and I went to the local surfing hole to work on our skills a little bit. 

 Never a dull moment him around!

We decided to head down and fart around Lake James, thinking that when we got hot we could just jump in the lake.  It was too hot, and jumping in the lake didn't really help much.  We decided that we'll go back down some day, but check the temps first!

Summer Heat

 When I get a free day in the middle of the summer, I take advantage of it.  I loaded up the kid and we headed down to Lake Jame for some fishin' and lake swimmin'.   It was so hot that the lake didn't really cool us off much.  While it was an adventure, we agreed that we would not come back during the summer.....

We got back in time for me to head down to the Liberty Bikes Thursday Night Ride.  About about a dozen folks showed up.  I had a blast hanging out with old friends, chatting and joking around.  I was able to glean some more helpful info. 

If you want to ride with a group, or currently ride with a group, here are a couple of tips that will help those around you stay safe and happy:

-Always ride smooth and steady.  Don't be jerky,  don't surge, don't swerve, hold your line.... If talking distracts you from riding in a safe manner,  stop talking and focus on riding smoothly.

-Always, always, always, wash your body and your kit before riding with others......  

If the shoe fits wear it.

If Winning is Failing

If winning is failing, I don't want to win.  All of the time and effort I have put into training to be faster has paid off.  I am faster than 10 yrs ago when I started this endurance thing.  I have maintained a level of fun through the whole experience and learned a lot.  I have a made a lot of friends.  I have had a lot of successes and quite a few epic failures.  

And that brings me to my point.  I'm tired of failing.  Life consists of failing and that's fine,  stuff happens.  But if I convince myself that I can do something and consistently push past my limits with risk to life and limb,  there when be a time when things don't turn out so well.  And the fun is greatly diminished.  I'm not saying I'm never going to compete again, because I'm sure there will be a time. 

But for now, I'm going back to enjoying the ride.  

After the first 2 hrs of ORAMM, I was finally able to settle in to a rythym and enjoy the scenery.  Enjoy the ride.  It didn't even bother me that I don't have the skill to ride some of the tech and switchbacks on Heartbreak Ridge later in the day.  It didn't bother me that I had no idea where I was in the group. (the kid was convinced that I was in second or third in the ss cat!) 

I feel like I have finally turned a corner and proven to myself what I am capable of.  I feel like I've shown the kid what someone can accomplish with hard work and dedication.  I hope that ideal will stick with him through life.  I feel like I can go out and ride, epic or not, and simply enjoy being on the bike. 

I'm  looking forward to Monster CX and some bikepacking adventures that I have planned.  Its gonna be a good time! 

But for now, I'm going sailing!

ORAMM 2015

 ORAMM 2015 rolled around.  I had assembled a crew of awesome folks to run rest stop #2 for me and they gave me the green light to go ride the event, so I trained as much as I could.  Summer training is less than optimum, with family schudule, summer ride program, the shop etc.  I just tried to get a couple of long rides in and stay consistent.  Most of my training was on the road bike, for convenience and hoping to build some endurance. 

Sunday morning rolled around and I was a nervous wreck.  The drive down, I focused on positive thoughts and tried to control my mind.  It kept wandering to past failures and DNF's.  This would be my 5th attempt at ORAMM, with 2 finishes and 2 DNF's,   I had every right to be nervous.  But the nerves weren't helping me eat breakfast!

I chose to drive the 150 gallon water bladder out to Curtis Creek and ride my bike back to the start.  This way I would avoid the pre-race chaos/nervousness that fills the air, and get a 3 mile warm up.  

I managed to eat enough bagel and roll back to the start.  High fives and hugs to my support crew and the squeezed into the pack.  Todd counted down and we were off. 

Suddenly things go chaotic.   It seems that  there were some confused roadies out here who thought that we were in the Tour.  Sketchy passes, sketchy riding.  It all made me really nervous and a little pissed off.  I tried to settle into a rythym, but with so many people it was impossible.  This was survival mode, waiting until the first couple of climbs to these agro dudes would start sweating and hopefully chill out a little. 

Up the first little climb, pass about 40 people, down the little decent before getting to the greenway.  My thoughts were interrupted but what sounded like: rubbing tires, bikes and bodies hitting each other, bikes and bodies hitting the pavement and then my bikes was shaking,  it felt like someone had landed on my rear wheel and I though I was going down.  In that split second, I pedaled to get away while I could hear bike and body bouncing and sliding next to me.  Crap that was close.  

 Up the greenway,  I chatted with Jason, Drew and a couple of other people I knew.  There were not many locals in this race.  It used to be a huge local contingent lining up.    Lot's of folks from Florida. 

Up and over Kitsuma, the weather was warm but the descents were cool.  This was great,  even if it got hot, if I could cool down on the descents, I would survive. 

More sketchy riding and passing on the single track, and I was getting more annoyed everytime.   I realized that I wasn't into that sort of thing and thoughts of quitting entered my head.   The mountain bike racing I remember was filled with good times, people encouraging each other etc.  Not folks yelling at others to "GET OUT OF THE WAY". 

Through Old Fort Picnic Area and up the pavement to Graphite were the first rest stop is.  I ate half of a Pro Bar on the road and then stopped to re-fill a water  bottle.  I was keeping track of fluid intake and was right on schedule.  

Up Star Gap and down Lower Heartbreak onto Jarret's Creek road.  Up until this point, my head was filled with self doubt and thoughts of quitting.  I tried all the tricks I know to change my attitude but it wasn't happening. 

I got in with a group of guys who were having fun though and everything changed.  I managed my pace and settled into a rythym, finally.  Then I started to enjoy the ride and my thoughts turned positive.  I started thinking about finishing and how great that would feel.  I started to focus on where I was and what I was doing,  blocking out the agro negative around me. 

I rolled into rest stop 2 and was greeted by the best crew in the world.  Bottles refilled, a little bit of sammy and I was rolling on.  

 Left turn on Curtis Creek Road and I kept my pace,  eating and drinking.  Pavement changed to gravel.   Then, BLAM. I felt a sharp pain in my left thumb knuckle.  The stinging pain got worse,  I started shaking my hand.  A hornet thought my hand looked tasty and attacked.  That hurt. 

 I stopped on the side of the road and found some plantain, chewed it up to make a poultice.  Another rider looked at me like I was crazy.  I told him what I was doing, and he rode on....   At that moment Todd, the race director drove around the corner and saw me.  He yelled:"Hey, what are you doing, Facebooking?".  Ha,  funny guy!

The climb up Curtis Creek went well, it was hot, but just where I could handle it.  I did quite a bit of walking, wanting to preserve my legs for the second half of the race.  It really would have helped if I could have trained a bit more but, I felt I had what it would take to finish. 

I finally ground my way over the top and sprinted past about 5 people.  I didn't want to get stuck behind them at the rest stop. 

Rest Stop 3, run by Pisgah MTB Adventures,  Patrick, Chris, Shannon and friends all there eager to help.  In and out, and on the road again.

The grind south on the parkway was a lot of climbing with one good decent,  almost enough to recover but not quite enough to feel good.  Then I got to the hike a bike and Heartbreak Ridge.  I took assessment of how I felt.  Good.  I was hungry, for some solid food, like a hot dog or some pizza, but there was none of that around.  I settled for another gel.   Then I started the decent.  

The rough part about descending on an empty stomach is that there is room for the internals to bounce around and it kind of hurts.  It is definitely uncomfortable and forces me to go a little slower. 

Down the single track, hiking up, down some more, hike some tight turns, cross the creek, cross the tracks and bust out onto the  pavement to a cheering crowd.  It is so nice to see so many people out there cheering on the racers.

A quick stop at Rest Stop 4 and I was climbing Mill Creek Rd.  I felt great and upped the pace a little bit.  I made it to the top fairly quickly and then up to Kitsuma.  Somewhere at the top of Mill Creek, I called the wife to let her know I would be finishing in about an hour. 

I was able to manage Kitsuma and then out onto the last 3 miles of pavement.  Mc Dowell County EMS had their mobile command unit set up in the parking lot.  Quite different from 6-7 years ago when I dropped out of the race here, begged for a ride to the finish, then was loaded into an ambulance to got to the hospital.  

I waved, thanked the folks and headed to the finish.  One last bit of single track where I was able to pass 2 more geared riders then across the finish line.  

My time was 7hrs 1 min 20 seconds and I was happy.  8 yrs after my first attempt with a finish time around 7:30,  I finally beat my own PR. 

 I finished and am so happy with my results.  I worked hard, managed my pace, my food and liquid intake and it worked out for me.  The victory soak in the creek is the best!  

It turned out that I had a lot of fun and I definitely want to do this again, but I think I might go on a two year rotation, doing the race every other year!   It takes about that long to recover from this one!!  

Staycation Continues

 Since I was supposed to be out of town this week, I have some spare time.  I usually tend to fill my spare time with work stuff, but my mind and gut are telling me that I should take a break and recoup my sanity so that I can finish the summer strong.  It isn't until I stop doing what I'm doing that I realize how long it has been that I needed a break and how good it feels to take said break. 

I rode out through Leicester and while I did look out for Bill, I did not see him.

 I did find this little guy who I stopped to move into the moist grass.  He hissed at me, but I have other friends who tend to hiss and as long as there is no biting, I'm ok with that.  We all have bad days!  

 A not so quick stop in Marshall and a BLT at Zuma coffee.   I stopped in to see Rod at Brushy Mountain Bicycles.  Cool little shop and the guy has the drive and know how to make it work.  Stop in and get some lube or a tube, or even a bike!   He rents as well. 

I decided to go big and do a route that I had never done before.  Up the river, up Moticello through Weaverville, up Ox Creek and down the parkway.  The pavement and exposure in Weaverville almost shut me down, but I made it to the creek on Reems Creek rd to cool down.  

I planned to stop at the Exxon, but they were out of business, so I stopped at the Reems Creek FD.   They weren't to eager to help me fill my bottles but one of the guys finally warmed up to me and got me some ice and filtered water.  He told me the water from Weaverville tastes like crap.  

 Ox Creek Rd tried to kick my butt but I had a few tricks up my sleeve and I was having none of it's resistance.  I crept up going 3mph and raised a ruckus by posting the above  pic on Facebook....

I got home, got some business stuff taken care of and headed out to the lake to work on some skills for the race this weekend!   I hope it cools down a bit and the wind blows.  I'm ready!

Things Learned While Bikepacking in July

I left again from the house to go on a little trip.  25 miles into the ride I turned around and went home.  Every time I head out, I learn a little about myself.  Today I learned some more mainly about what I like and don't like. 

I started out feeling fine, but 8 miles into the ride, I was ready to be done.  That will happen on a trip so close to home.  I questioned why I wanted to go home when I had this opportunity.  I forced myself to keep going, focused on positives.  My gut told me I should go home. 

It was hot, and not cooling off.  I decided to keep going, it was bound to get cooler.  My goal for the day was 40 miles, and I was sure I could do that. 

15 miles went by and I was hydrated but still too hot.  There is a fine line between being hot and surviving the heat.  Once I am faced with surviving the heat, I'm not having fun anymore.  One indicator is when I stop to refill water bottles and don't cool down because the air is so thick and muggy.  Not so much fun.  

I stop around mile 20 to refill my water supply.  I'm at a campground.  I look around at all the people having fun and consider stopping.  I don't want to stop.  I'm goal oriented and I have someplace to be,  20 miles away.  I can do it, but do I want to?  Do I really want to fight the heat?  No. 

I ride another 5 miles.  Up to the next gap.  Sometimes its cooler on the other side of the gap.  Sometimes the breeze coming up from the river deep down in the valley has just enough of a temperature difference that it feels good, and cools the body.  Not today.  It is still hot; and muggy.  I'm discouraged and don't want to quit.  But I've fought this fight before and its not fun. 

I pull out my phone to call the wife and ask for advice.  The reception is not good enough.  I put the phone away, and turn around to head home.  I continue pondering why I do this?  Why do I start out fine and then decide not to continue on?  Have I lost confidence in my ride abilities?  Have I lost the joy of long distance riding? 

I spend some time mulling these and other questions over until finally I realize several things.  Answers that make sense.  Answers that make it ok to quit.  To wait for another day. 

I admit to myself that right now, I am not having fun, I am not suffering, I am surviving.  And that is the key.  I have suffered and I have survived.  I don't want to push my suffering into surviving.   Maybe it will come to that in the future, but today, I can control that outcome and make it home without worrying about getting a rescue.  I don't mind a bit of suffering, but even though it hurts, if it doesn't bleed over into surviving, suffering can be fun and part of the journey.  The outcome is worth the pain.  The outcome of suffering however, can be costly. 

I feel better.  I start to think positively about bikepacking and then make a mental list of what I like and don't like.  I feel the need to categorize how I feel so that I can enjoy my future trips and have delineated goals. 

• I love to ride my bike long distances
• I prefer to get a hotel, but camping works
• I don't like to bikepack just for the sake of getting out.
• I like to have big goals, a route laid out and I like to go for it.  
• I don't mind suffering, I don't like surviving.  
• I look forward to some cooler temps because I have some goals in mind!

Inside Out

Inside Out:

I took the family to see Inside Out " After young Riley is uprooted from her Midwest life and moved to San Francisco, her emotions - Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness - conflict on how best to navigate a new city, house, and school".

Having been uprooted from my home more than enough times in my child hood,  I understood very well what Riley was going through.  Not fitting in, losing old friends, parents too busy to pay attention to what was happening (or just not paying attention).

As I watched the movie unfold,  I didn't expect that some old emotional wounds would be opened up, and I didn't expect the tears to start flowing.

Pixar family movies tend to make me a little emotional but this one pushed a little farther.   I am finding it difficult to put into words and it will make sense if you see the movie for yourself, but I realized that the core memories and the islands are such an important part of a person, that when they crumble nothing is left except a bitter, angry shell of a person running away from his/her problems.

I have islands that have crumbled,  and I have core memories that have faded away into wisps of smoke.  For years, this left me wondering who I was, what I was doing and what my purpose was.  I was not allowed, or even taught how to deal with my emotions.  If I was sad, I was told to move on, or do something to replace the sadness.  I was not allowed to express anger or frustration.  I went overboard on being silly, trying to lighten to mood around me;  that got squelched too.

Early in my adulthood years, I'm sure I pushed a lot of people away for various reasons.  There are  a handful of people who "made the cut" or rather "refused to get pushed away" and stuck with me.  These people helped me understand true friendship and acceptance of others.

As the years have passed, living in Asheville, I have been blessed with friendships that I would never have imagined possible.  The core memories and islands that I have built are such a symbol of healing in my life,  I sometimes find it overwhelming and miraculous.  I could not have done this on my own.

I always knew that something was missing but I could not put my finger on it until now.

In the movie, Joy was always trying to keep sadness from playing her role.  She mistakenly thought that by keeping sadness out of Riley's life, that Riley would be happy.  As the movie unfolded, we saw just how important a role each emotion plays in a person's life.  I finally understood that emotions are ok and even important.

We made it back into the van and back home before I walked out to sit on the back steps.  I couldn't hold back any longer and tears of sadness and relief started to flow.  The wife and kid sat with me and comforted me.  I explained that while I was sad because I was lacking some important and nurturing core memories from my childhood,  that they are my family island.  In turn they encouraged me and reminded me how many islands we have built together.

The kid told me that I am working on my goofy island!

There is hope.