Summer

Summer time is officially here and it is hot.  I'm not complaining though, because hot here, means really hot in surrounding areas. 

This, for some reason is always a sad time of year form me.  The days start getting shorter.  Not noticeably, yet, but definitely getting shorter by about 20- 30 minutes per month. That leaves plenty of time for riding and playing, but still......

I'm continuing to learn a lot about my past and how I was taught and treated.  I'm realizing that the ways I was taught to act and react are not always the best.  I have also realized, due to my recent confrontation, that I don't have to act like I was taught, and I don't have to feel bad about that.  

If the things I am doing or saying and the way I am acting is offensive to people around me,  I am the one who needs to adjust.  Typically, it is not your fault if I offend you.  I have no right to tell you to "  get over it", or "toughen up", "lighten up" etc.  

I have realized that I lack a genuine sensitivity towards people in general.

I have spent most of my life searching for approval.  And when I did not get that from a young age, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with that lack of approval.  One of those coping mechanisms is sarcasm.

I can be extremely sarcastic, and I am good at it.  Now that I realize how detrimental , I am not proud of it. There is a healthy bantering that occurs between friends and that is great.  But, when I use my sarcasm to make myself feel better and use it to bully those around me, it becomes verbal/emotional abuse.  And it is wrong.

I recently realized that I have trouble maintaining close friendships.   One of my previous supervisors, who I respect and trust, looked at me during one of our meetings and said" You have trust issues".  I balked and could not believe that she would say such a thing.  But I hung on to that thought and processed it. A couple of years later, I was able to trace the trust issues to the roots. ( I"ll hopefully share that with you in the future). 

Interestingly, now that I can see the root of the problem, I can start to deal with it.  In a sense I am starting over,  rebuilding who I am and becoming who I want to be.  Becoming a better friend and making myself vulnerable.  The cool thing is, I find people wanting to spend time with me.  It seems that people feel more at ease around me,  probably because I am not ripping them apart and judging them.  I guess I would not have wanted to hang around me either!

Have a great day!