The Guilt Ridden Life

 I'm planning a road trip this spring.  The goal is to pack in as much windsurfing as I can get.  Why?   I love windsurfing.  I grew up as a missionary kid and got into the sport on the island of Bonaire: Windsurfer's Paradise.   Since then, the island has produced many world champions and is one of the world's go to training grounds for world class windsurfers.    I taught myself and was hooked.

But now,  as I prepared to head to the East Coast, I'm riddled with guilt for leaving my family behind and spending time and money on myself.  Why?

 Another passion of mine is cycling.  I love to get out and explore new places, that's what gets me excited.  I love the community, the vast array of folks who ride bikes for assorted reasons.  I love to ride with people, and I love to ride along.    As I head out for a ride, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I am out having fun, while I could be doing other "more productive" things. 

Why so guilty?  I'm not sure.  I was raised in a strict "Christian" home.  Rules, chores and consequences.  I had to earn my freedom,  I had to work for my play time,  and more often than not, my free time was interrupted because I had not completed said chores adequately and had to go back and do it again, "and do it right this time".

I attended a "Christian" college that had so many rules and regulations that I was always second guessing myself,  wondering if I had followed all of the rules and knowing that I would get busted and reprimanded for the slightest infraction.   Needless to say, I didn't really fit in and several times was the first to get the blame when another broke the rules: like the time someone drove through the guard shack gate, shattering it to bits and kept driving.... it wasn't me, I promise.

If I am living the life of freedom,  then why all the guilt? 

Its that feeling of never being good enough,  always having to try harder, to be better, to be a little more perfect, to sin less.  Its like the cartoon of the carrot being held in front of the horse,  the poor horse works his tail off, but never gets to the carrot. 

Why all the guilt?  Maybe I hold myself to to high of a standard,  the standard that I was taught all of my life?  Maybe I need to step back, take a deep breathe and just be.  Be in the moment, love my neighbor, and be.

Maybe.