Summer time is officially here and it is hot. I'm not complaining though, because hot here, means really hot in surrounding areas.
This, for some reason is always a sad time of year form me. The days start getting shorter. Not noticeably, yet, but definitely getting shorter by about 20- 30 minutes per month. That leaves plenty of time for riding and playing, but still......
I'm continuing to learn a lot about my past and how I was taught and treated. I'm realizing that the ways I was taught to act and react are not always the best. I have also realized, due to my recent confrontation, that I don't have to act like I was taught, and I don't have to feel bad about that.
If the things I am doing or saying and the way I am acting is offensive to people around me, I am the one who needs to adjust. Typically, it is not your fault if I offend you. I have no right to tell you to " get over it", or "toughen up", "lighten up" etc.
I have realized that I lack a genuine sensitivity towards people in general.
I have spent most of my life searching for approval. And when I did not get that from a young age, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with that lack of approval. One of those coping mechanisms is sarcasm.
I can be extremely sarcastic, and I am good at it. Now that I realize how detrimental , I am not proud of it. There is a healthy bantering that occurs between friends and that is great. But, when I use my sarcasm to make myself feel better and use it to bully those around me, it becomes verbal/emotional abuse. And it is wrong.
I recently realized that I have trouble maintaining close friendships. One of my previous supervisors, who I respect and trust, looked at me during one of our meetings and said" You have trust issues". I balked and could not believe that she would say such a thing. But I hung on to that thought and processed it. A couple of years later, I was able to trace the trust issues to the roots. ( I"ll hopefully share that with you in the future).
Interestingly, now that I can see the root of the problem, I can start to deal with it. In a sense I am starting over, rebuilding who I am and becoming who I want to be. Becoming a better friend and making myself vulnerable. The cool thing is, I find people wanting to spend time with me. It seems that people feel more at ease around me, probably because I am not ripping them apart and judging them. I guess I would not have wanted to hang around me either!
Have a great day!